My high school BFF Alaina, however, could afford a vintage Volkswagen—a Beetle, to be exact. I internalized my envy and hubris knowing it was a very “mainstream” model, which was the worst thing you could be in 2000 (when levels of quirk were on Bjork or GTFO).
When I was 16 I wanted a vintage Volkswagen so badly. Specifically, a Karmann Ghia. I lived in Arizona, so that sort of thing was unusually accessible if I could save the meager $2,500 or so from my part-time job at Schlotzky’s Deli. I could not.
My high school BFF Alaina, however, could afford a vintage Volkswagen—a Beetle, to be exact. I internalized my envy and hubris knowing it was a very “mainstream” model, which was the worst thing you could be in 2000 (when levels of quirk were on Bjork or GTFO).
![A vintage white Volkswagen.](https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=801&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=f96cdc2c48a681a58c4e9a310033065f 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1603&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=94621c166f513a29bb5255b65432209f 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=662&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=68cf2c86a7117d481414ffd42067c55d 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1325&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=5a9fb964cd8b252e2232a2f39712f0a3 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=513&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=f9b83b13d26bfb5017a9cc1c5ad414b1 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1026&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=a96735beef1ddc9a7e3c7c6b3a8caa56 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=384&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=d118a369c530a6f0d1a10083b58a1fc4 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Volkswagen_Karmann_Ghia_Typ_14_Schaffen_Diest_Fly-Drive_2013.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=769&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=73274a48f252ece6cdd29a1ec2024a76 1152w)
What I could manage was about 500 bucks and a few hours spent trawling phoenix.craigslist.org.
Cars were an extension of the self back then, less of the practical, utilitarian vehicles that now carry us to our obligations and leisure with zero pretense. The market was abundant, but the funds were low and the stakes were high. Half of the students in my high school drove every day, so I had to stand out in the sea of Neons, Jettas, and Eclipses.
the funds were low and the stakes were high 🏁 the funds were low and the stakes were high 🏁
If you're familiar with The Paradox of Choice, you're realizing I was probably (foolishly) happier then.
Back in those days I was a satisficer, not a maximizer, mostly because I was willing to take whatever I could get. So when I came across the listing for a Pontiac T1000 hatchback, used as an "art car in a vegan parade"—I knew I had found The One. In case the model doesn't ring a bell, basically, it was the poor man's Chevette. By the time I had lucked into the one I had found, it had been out of production for nearly fifteen years.
If you're familiar with The Paradox of Choice, you're realizing I was probably (foolishly) happier then.
![1986 Pontiac 1000 Blue Exterior profile](https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=796&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=d11d143e6d0a36fdf6e8b6c57afb864a 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1592&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=3657b6fdfb8bcc5239f653975c10e4ec 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=658&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=2e81c38f05bead0e43f8f3a42de6ba3b 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1316&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=24c93873a575d84dc4720a134ffbbeda 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=509&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=214bc0d01b83822b9d8ff057fc76eccc 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1018&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=d9a1d682fcfc0a01d16561f0b0ae2a1b 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=382&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=1adb8aeefeff44ba639a2ec00888f23f 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/1986-Pontiac-1000-Blue-Exterior-004-profile.jpeg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=764&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=2b8f292182653f0b86c61c02b1e82ded 1152w)
Photo GM Authority
The listing described a daily beater that was in the kind of condition you'd expect for a car of that age that had been owned by two twenty-somethings. It then went on to describe what an incredible opportunity it'd be to own a real art car, used in a vegan parade in Flagstaff.
Sold. Done—had me at "art car."
I called the couple and asked to come see it, and boy, was it a piece of shit LOL.
Red and white American-flag stripes had been painted along the sides in house paint. The hood was the stanza, though I'm sure there weren't fifty stars on it. The blue of the stanza continued to the roof, where there was a giant white peace sign.
![An illustration of a car painted like an American flag in a desert cul-de-sac.](https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=900&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=0f26360545224b8389e9dd706d3d5410 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1800&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=9f327c7140ab835a5af29f2c7a94a58e 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=744&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=70b6c8571d6ff9ab17854f02e2376eb3 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1488&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=b3066077613a1959b382c248a1cf37cc 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=576&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=d7fff1b400e9733cbd7cb351035ce566 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1152&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=2e9ba751e8b4236f7f1d5c1563f85178 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=432&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=b805f94170ea308f00676832fc229d2b 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Car-Culdesac-Corrected_2022-05-20-175632_hxyo.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=864&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=39cfb03cf300c905085bb2bac4494e6f 1152w)
You might be asking yourself, "What does this have to do with a vegan parade?"
Well, each door had a cartoon carrot painted on it . . . but it was an angry one, with fangs and a very upsetting face. And on the back, above the license plate, were the words "THE ANGRY CARROT." So, that answers that.
Thanks to its hideous state and the slew of traditional old-car-problems it had (like the doors that had been replaced with doors from a car with a red interior, even though this one had a blue interior), I talked them down from $650 to $500, knowing this wreck would make me seem super quirky and interesting.
And it did—it also broke down often and got egged a lot. Its final resting place was a Taco Bell parking lot on Baseline Rd. after the hanger I had been using to keep the alternator from falling into the fan finally gave out.
RIP, Angry Carrot, you were the best.
![An illustration of the rear of a car reads "ANGRY CARROT."](https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=900&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=f87927549fdd735d2ecaa4d73a186691 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1800&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=bfd8635305d2050a85b4f85ab6e75dc7 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=744&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=5a09a47198d04dc5f484a164c9fabc68 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1488&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=c1ba8452c38324ffec97507bea706582 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=576&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=95cb0090a2a97723328cf788325be73e 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1152&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=89e42053dee231a39b0e1e250cabffec 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=432&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=cab947d874435ee83b7077add775135d 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Angry-Carrot-Rear_2022-05-20-182025_xioj.png?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=864&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=9f15f843389ba03341d38886a27b359e 1152w)