What is the best job?
We exist in a world beyond our comprehension, at the mercy of mysterious natural forces (💀🔮 ) and the quaintly damaging economic and social policies passed down to us by our boomer gods. Supposedly, the important things in life are family, friendship, the warm touch of sunshine on our smiling faces, etc. Yet, rather than gathering with our loved ones we spend most of our time flailing in the unforgiving grind of the global economy. I’ve been emotionally—although not financially 😪 —ready to retire since I was twenty-five, but there seems to be no end in sight. Like so many others, I fell into a pattern of numb acceptance, rising practically at dawn (8:57 a.m.) and practicing inbox zero as a form of creative expression.
Then, during my rigorous research*, I turned up this bombshell:
“The United States can pay any debt it has because we can always print money to do that.” —Alan Greenspan, Federal Reserve Chairman 1987-2006
!
!!!!
!!!!!
If I understand correctly—and on the strength of my BFA in illustration and a borrowed New York Times login, I’m fairly confident I do—this means we could all retire immediately. Although, it would be nice if a few people kept working in our new utopia of idle pleasure-seekers. Doctors, and whoever maintains those money printers.
![](https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=889&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=465be887b53dde919b0f6ce489c5f447 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1779&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=0ab8a6673764d0f3a870239d43d20c1d 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=735&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=ba993278ed5831a4eb0ed315e384ec2b 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1471&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=a4213a937ff11da24c5f3374b8e21148 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=569&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=04c78af2ea187b94d682183b4a665765 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1139&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=a5c147c277f2bcf8ae9bc8624a95bf5d 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=427&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=7f27c724a5d3a4da300682de758d3aaf 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Alan-Greenspan.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=854&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=0853dc70ad90c0c4d0b43b2c8d4321a7 1152w)
For now, though, we all have jobs. Growing up semi-spoiled, my awareness of the reality of work was dim. I was “into” music, considered that to be a legitimate personality, and didn’t hear many songs about working. Although I enjoyed the song about working on a chain gang that played on the oldies station, most of the music of my formative years had sexier concerns. For this reason I had the misimpression that life was about love and passion, despite what I saw modeled by the white-collar adults in my life. I did have junior-level jobs—I babysat, proudly innovating the Henry Ford-level productivity trick of turning the clocks ahead an hour and then regretfully announcing that it was bedtime. But I didn’t comprehend the all-consuming totality of having a full-time job until I got a full-time job.
Initially, buoyed by the novelty of employment, I verged on being a workaholic, approaching minor tasks at my entry-level retail position with fervor and a deluded sense of importance. Later, on my resumé I listed myself as the Corporate Liaison, since I had called a 1-800 number at Coca-Cola headquarters at my boss’s behest, seeking a referral to an authorized technician who could fix our jammed vending machine.
![](https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=434&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=246622b34b845dc3e682f71ca43f37d3 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=868&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=3d2eb4997fa796280ac8dc2b540937f6 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=358&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=3fd300d2823c15ce5a96ac7fc275ceb1 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=717&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=de426ad378781562d5325b549d8c7ed0 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=277&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=a7d5ceeefd404ab35715f61b6b93ae0c 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=555&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=4970a0363572eea03e8598342546e651 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=208&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=0ac38af3b6e36997b31a5ec8787bbda7 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Desk-Stuff.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=416&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=cdb05312a0675e704d2883e7c6f41fb3 1152w)
My spirited work ethic didn’t last long, irrevocably damaged by a mini-Industrial Revolution at the coffee shop where I worked next. A dishwasher was installed, and I received a pay cut based on the logic that since I would no longer have to hand-wash mugs, my job would be easier. I didn’t put up a fight, unsure if my standards were too high or too low. Was it generous that my boss was paying me $5.65/hour to stand in a climate-controlled coffee shop, eat day-old scones, and trash-talk whoever wasn’t working that day, or was it outrageous that I was being paid only $5.65 for each hour of my life that slipped past, irretrievable, in the windowless industrial kitchen?
Either way, modern technology has made manual labor easier (you heard it here first!). I feel like royalty living in a Jetsons-Fantasia mashup, napping while the Roomba, dishwasher, and air conditioner toil in service of my happiness and hygiene. But being so coddled has made me entitled, unwilling to give back to my hardworking machines, from blender to computer. While some laptop owners believe that a high-end product naturally requires and deserves mindful maintenance—diligent software updates, a cozy case to slip into at night—I do not. They already cost so much. A $2,000 computer should subsist on almost nothing, thankful whenever I bother to plug its greedy ass into the charger.
The aforementioned Alan Greenspan, a self-described “lifelong libertarian Republican” (woof), might feel similarly about me, one of his ungrateful citizen machines. To him, my desires—organic snacks, work-life balance—are over-indulgent, a sharp moral and existential provocation; his frankly annoying restraint with the money printers has the same effect on me.
![](https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=889&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=a6eb1c3a003ab97ad5a3a0d9fe5849ba 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1779&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=935f645b122b29e5b2d78533b5dc667a 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=735&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=a11239a6e49e531752e24ce1d8a01425 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1471&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=45a30074a8fd289fa9b7e1b2967eb779 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=569&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=e82a0fc5fa99e480e2d374ac2c401766 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=1139&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=3282ef419499ce0da1a0c44f2a940bbb 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=427&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=cd064f08c82b6594dfc4d7c73d8ec8b5 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Business-Card_2021-05-14-202716.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=854&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=e3b329af86389b6897c2425fbc766b43 1152w)
The only way I’ll eventually be allowed to retire is if the nation maintains a certain rate of population growth. Babies are often cute, and they each have the wonderful potential to expand the tax base and fund my future social security. But is it cruel to draft an unsuspecting child into this scam of an existence? Anti-natalists believe that to procreate is morally wrong: life is a painful hassle and babies can't provide informed consent before conception. (The more depressed you are, the more valid this sounds, so if you don’t get it, congratulations.) Any child who screams at their parents that they never asked to be born is instinctively taking a sophisticated ethical stance. I never outgrew this; I resent my very existence whenever I’m required to do anything that lacks an immediate dopamine-based payoff.
Despite my attitude, I'm surviving, thanks to middle-class momentum. My instinct for hard work has faded considerably since my hard-charging corporate liaison era, but I still retain a crumb of faith that I might rise to the occasion if I were to land my dream job. What is a valid dream job, though? In our problematic economy, is it possible for there to be a job that is pure and good and therefore, the best? I’m thrilled to report that yes, there is: the answer is marine biologist, the technicolor dolphin fantasy of landlocked fourth-graders everywhere. I could pursue this, but I worry I would have to touch algae, write a cover letter, or even drown. It’s likely I’ll remain at my greasy keyboard for the foreseeable future, dreamily browsing cephalopod forums in between defiantly RSVPing ‘maybe’ to meeting invites.
![](https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=434&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=1200&s=1f9f3f841ab87afd606e36baba3e0642 1200w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=868&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=2400&s=55bed7659d10ea34e073cf76eac66c0d 2400w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=358&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=82&usm=20&w=992&s=4fdc58edaeed795df2852c45de377955 992w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=717&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=61&usm=20&w=1984&s=c27066d8e996b1a3fc039b6e166c80db 1984w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=277&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=768&s=ac0e191031007ff48df8be20f87ea389 768w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=555&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1536&s=5e05e0104d48d435cc315e02e24c1ff0 1536w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=208&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=60&usm=20&w=576&s=45c250baea0cc99b4ab709252e484753 576w, https://varyer.imgix.net/Molly-Butterfoss-WITB-Job-Classifieds.jpg?auto=format&crop=focalpoint&domain=varyer.imgix.net&fit=crop&fp-x=0.5&fp-y=0.5&h=416&ixlib=php-3.3.1&q=45&usm=20&w=1152&s=dfd849d990a70ddd4d3e9b7615179440 1152w)
Many people, though, operate enthusiastically within the open market. A friend told me that while he was job-hunting, he published a fake job posting, something like what he hoped to find for himself. The applications poured in, and my friend assessed his competition and stole the best resumé layouts for himself. I was blown away by this deranged maneuver, but then another person mentioned doing the same thing. After a third acquaintance owned up to pulling the fake-job-posting move, I realized I was the freak, not them. I should have paid attention when I was reading early bedtime stories aloud to my babysitting victims. The sociological framework of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie was a warning; we can never be satisfied. A cookie will only make us crave milk. Thus we are locked into our endless spiritual, material, and professional quests.
With my lack of fake-job-post savvy, I don’t deserve the marine biologist job, and so I must accept my land-based destiny in the rat race. After all, in this capitalistic crucible, maybe maintaining self-awareness is the most important job of all. (Please imagine that last line as a powerful Carrie Bradshaw voiceover.)
Thank you for your time,
Molly
*Bibliography: The episode of Friends in which Rachel gets her first paycheck and learns about FICA, Wikipedia, my accountant, and a 2010 Doonesbury comic about the invisible hand of the market